Inmypromise White

I have come to learn that through celebrations with and without that the gift that has helped the most was unwrapped. We may have been given video games and they came and went. We may have been given clothes and they shrunk......I swear it. We may have been given jewelry and it broke, was lost, or ooops was fake. It is possible too have seen piles and piles of ribbon, garland, and lights but, the greatest gift of all happened year round. I saw my mother call on JESUS and I saw HIM answer. I saw her pray, fast, and cry for her loved ones. I was told by my Mother, "Child bad times come but if you have JESUS everything will work out." This is the time set aside to remember that JESUS is the gift to save the world. For those of us who get treated like we were too old to anticipate santa clause or have children of our own to tend to. I can attest that by being given JESUS, I have been given my best Christmas gift yet. Not under a tree or in a stocking but, in a walk. I...

Let me see you! Say it to my face. The shrugged shoulder I used to deflect your blows caused deep wounds in your soul. I learn how to better love me by watching you push me away. I learn what not to get offended by; taking notes to what you raise your finger at. Raised finger, like going to church and tipping out asking permission of a master not present. I sought you out. I chased you into the darkness of pain. I feel because of the pain. You masked a weapon you created as a salve. The door would not open. I knocked and knocked wondering how to get inside to the one I love. The one whose voice beckoned to me from the small, dark, love deprived room locked inside of you. The one I fight for holding the key the whole time. Deceived by the snare of self righteousness I am left to fight my better judgement. Fight my limitations. Fight my gut feelings. Fight my consistent bad experiences. Keep your raincheck for a twenty four hour appointment. No one puts me in timeou...

     Have you ever had a splinter? Have you ever felt the small sliver of wood under your skin? This mild irritation burrows through flesh while one digs to pull it out. The idea of something ideally small has such a large impact. “Because of the extraordinary greatness of the revelations, for this reason, to keep me from exalting myself, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me- to keep me from exalting myself! Concerning this I am pleased with the Lord three times that it might leave me. And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.        Therefore I delight in weaknesses, insults, in distresses, in persecutions, in difficulties, in behalf of Christ; for when I am weak, then I am strong. Recently I heard a message emphasizing how being a part...

     I am the villain in someone’s story. Whether or not I earned the title they have assigned my role is irrelevant. I have been categorized according to their experience. I have been having a hard time coming to grips with this truth. Yet, I have arrived at this location. There were several events and circumstances that forced me to do the reflection needed to come to this conclusion. The primary catalyst was my trying to find a rationalization for someone who hurt me.        Maturing past the point of needing to have closure, but not evolved enough to not need to make sense of it all. In Spite of the fresh scars on my soul I have been challenging myself to figure out the hows and the whys. I dared look at the us objectively. I saw me on the table laid bare with my insides exposed. This type of self surgery is a different type of pain. I have shared with confidantes that power dynamics have little to do with bullying. I know thi...

     When I am going to provide an introspective story with the hope of providing an intimate connection to someone with whom I am conversing; I will preface my statement with, “moment of transparency.” The purpose is to create a safe space for that individual to feel comfortable reciprocating my vulnerability. It also forces me to confront the truth that I am sharing sensitive information that may not be handled correctly once I release it. Only with that space of vulnerability will we both grow from the exchange. I recently heard someone say that we critique people by their actions and critique ourselves by our intentions.        Reflections of both my actions and intentions helped me to narrow the ambiguity between the wounds and kisses of our current year. What if wounds from a friend are filled with the venom of an enemy? Where wounds from a friend may be a blessing according to Proverbs; lips are a faucet from the heart which can pour v...

     All these films depict the legacy of kings that can be found in the iris of young men. These moments of celebration inspire me to reflect on my greatest heroine. My Mother was the Queen of every room she entered. Captivating with her wit, beauty, and charm. Days away from openly appreciating the grace bestowed me second by second; my heart tugged at the love she continues to give. Each memory of her intentional training reveals a deeper level of wisdom as I mature, expanding my capacity to understand.        Seeing what she already saw; walking where she already tread. “Gratitude is a posture.” Echoes on various platforms. Gratefully, I sit in my state of reflection holding on to promises of better days ahead. Remember in all your thanks to thank yourself. Give yourself permission to relax and, keep putting one foot in front of the other. In all the lessons my Mother provided me these reminders were caught not taught. Catch! You ar...

     Looking at the various forms of life lost celebrated on display around town, shivering from the brisk air drop; I am reminded of the time of year. However, the aisles and aisles of candy remind me of children. Children who are tiny humans; not incomplete people. A conversation with a couple of parents about children having the liberty to express themselves emotionally forced me to analyze my thoughts on the emotional freedom we allow children to exert. This conversation lingered with me after I walked away because as an adult; majority of the emotional healing that has taken place in my life was delayed because of my emotional blockage from childhood. Being human enough to have the full brunt of painful situations knock you down, but not having a healthy space to process those experiences is a serious disservice to children. Our children go through the ups and downs that we go through on our roads across triumph, distress, failure, or sudden surprise....

     What if Job knew that he was a guinea pig in the LORD’s sociology project with the devil? This concept of your life being an animated presentation of the LORD’s handy work. We could hover the key points in Job’s life or, the disciple’s like a Prezi hover overflow. Drafting an epistle chronicling the testimonies that had manifested on the path to their destination. Like Paul who cried out to the LORD about the thorn in his side. While the LORD replied “HIS grace was sufficient;” so we could look to Paul’s walk for insight into our struggles. Could it be that only the experiences that negatively affect us are the lessons needed to learn how to move forward?             Would Job have behaved differently? I looked back to see how Job responded to his situation. Similar to a lot of believers, he worshipped. Tried and tested believers do not lose their nerve at the first sight of trouble. Yet, as the trial drags on th...

     What if Job knew that he was a guinea pig in the LORD’s sociology project with the devil? This concept of your life being an animated presentation of the LORD’s handy work. We could hover the key points in Job’s life or the disciples like a Prezi hover overflow. Drafting an epistle chronicling the testimonies that had manifested on the path to their destination. Like Paul who cried out to the LORD about the thorn in his side. While the LORD replied HIS grace was sufficient; so we could look to Paul’ s walk for insight into our struggles. Could it be that only the experiences that negatively effect us are the lessons needed to learn how to move forward? Would Job have behaved differently? I looked back to see how Job responded to his situation. Similar to a lot of believers, he worshipped. Tried and tested believers do not lose their nerve at the first sight of trouble.        Yet, as the trial drags on that unspoken expiration...

     Heads or tails? Life and death are two sides of the same coin. Why does it seem like death is being celebrated in the media? All these images force me to watch depictions of my heart beating outside of my chest. Every day we are informed of the death toll increase. At the time these strokes grace my keys the Texas number of confirmed Covid cases is 432,000 and 6,991 deaths. Not as much emphasis is placed on the recoveries. We see countless pictures of hospitals and doctors with makeshift personal protective equipment but, few smiling faces of the 260,542 people who held on to life long enough to share the love of those they believe are worth fighting death to see again.             This barrage of death got me to thinking about how humans place value on life. How does one measure life? What is a life worth? Covid is not the introduction of death but, it forces everyone to have a conversation with themselves about the...

     “Proverbs 17:22 A merry heart does good, like medicine, but a broken spirit dries the bones.” “Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1. Thank you to all the individuals who have checked on my mental health in these times. At my core I continue to find my anchor in Christ. No matter how high or how low I find myself I hold to my Savior. This strategy eases my spirit. My emotions find safety in my art. It keeps being stated we are not a monolith. The connection of that truth in the relationship of joy and pain has been resonating in my spirit for weeks. These strange bedfellows have been such a grand soiree in my life. I am told that I was a baby girl beaming with joy.             Only through the new mercies I have experienced over my lifetime have I come to see that happy joyful girl in the mirror for myself. The same way we have universal catch phrases from our parents. W...

     Why are men not afforded the same time to process, heal, and grow from emotional trauma?  Do they not give it to themselves?  Is the stigma too great?  Is there an overarching societal oppression hindering them from being able to be vulnerable?  The newfound intentional awareness the answer to all these questions is a resounding, yes.  This fact weighed heavy on my heart today.  I had a “When I looked back over my life, and I think things over,” kind of day.  I marveled at how I have been kept.  HE kept me ; has been on repeat in my heart.  Why is it as a female I can declare this welcomed with grace, love, and encouragement?  While a man is expected to shoulder through?   So many challenges on the internet I issue a challenge to acknowledge men in your life.  Tell men in your life that you appreciate the role they play in your life.  I choose to acknowledge my brothers.  These men have impac...

     “When you don’t know what to do; you do what you know .” Pastor Jeana Gilligan. Over the unfolding of our lives we have caught and taught life knowledge through the unveiling of our experiences. I challenge us to stop behaving instinctively and, start being intentional. We have to consciously choose the wisdom we have been taught; rather than fall subject to the effortlessly drawing nature of our heart’s desires. Famously stated, it took forty years to get Egypt out of the children of Israel. But, how long did it take Egypt to get into them?        Similar to the Israelites; we have more years in bondage than out of bondage. Being a slave is more familiar than walking in liberty. Using unhealthy coping strategies more readily available to provide an appearance of temporary relief opposed to reliance on the Holy Spirit based on our compulsions. We are the sum total of our experiences. Some were deliberately taught to us. We were ta...

     You might be churchy if?...... You have a wish list that you keep hidden filled with the desired profile of your mate. This list is fine for all the positive reasons the WORD encourages us to be intentional about our prayers such as…. “Write the vision and make it plan, build a memorial here, hide these words in your heart, etc.” However, how often do we have hidden traits? Our unexpressed, unacknowledged additional desires and expectations from our partner, mate, or spouse.        We expect that person to be a source of encouragement, validation, joy, and peace. We do not write those things on the lists because we may not be consciously asserting that expectation. Yet, we often times expect it from all of our relationships. So, even when our loved ones affirm us, encourage us, motivate us. Why do we still feel like they don’t give us what we want? The Lord will not allow it. GOD desires to be our source of validation alone...

     On 1/7/19 I published an article about the church hurt I was experiencing. I received an out pour of individuals who were able to identify with my observations and experiences. After many tears, a lot of forgiveness, a ton of reminding that “no matter how much it hurt” the LORD has never left me. The promise to never leave me nor forsake me is as true today as it was on my darkest day. In my process of rising from the ashes I have been reminded of who I belong to. That is what my painful experience was allowed to reveal. The only reason those individuals could hurt me was because I gave them more authority than GOD in that moment. It is uncomfortable to admit , but my failure to be honest and transparent eliminates my ability to share my growth.        Either I believe that i am a new creature in Christ or, i do not. Like every biblical example you think of for the mistreatment of others. Like rap lyrics that proclaim only God can judg...

     Have you experienced trauma in your childhood? How do you process those experiences? Have you processed those experiences? Did you develop coping skills as a child that you still utilize today? I have recently been charged the task to dream again. Like, a teacher with a pop quiz because you know the students have not studied; I was then challenged to think bigger. What does that look like? In this same season; Jackie Hill Perry challenged me to survey my heart as she deposited the revelation that all sin comes from unbelief . Currently, I am going through some transitions with my loved ones. On the road to resolution I was informed that I tend not to be as vulnerable as desired. Listening to the position that those who love us desire to carry us from time to time. In my introspection I have observed some idols fashioned because I did not believe that the LORD would comfort me. This stronghold in my life was developed in youth through emotional neglect. ...

     We are a community of shortened phrases that tell a story empowering enough to move a person. We are reared by these colloquialisms and, have governed generations by them. The duality of the accountability. “Hold a good head.” “I see you!” “I got you.” "Put that on your Mama." "For the Culture!" “Fix your kitchen.” “Where you think you goin?” “Nah, we good.” “You good?” “What you not gone do.” “You were on my heart.” These same pressures are strong arms of encouragement. Snares of support. Loving you in a but, sieging exploration into foreign lands. There is very little room for evaluating the beauty that is multicultural outside of the diaspora. Better yet intermingled by the diaspora. Anyone with a touch of keystrokes can request the revocation of your Black Card without justification. Representation allows me to gain permission to accept the marginalized and rejected portions of myself. The uniquely human process of coming to...

     There is an innate ability to blame others for our outcomes. This act is as old as Adam and Eve. The desire for what is appealing to the eye but, at what cost? The price of relationships, the price of time, the price of dignity, the price of energy. We have to take ownership of the consequence of our decisions. It is not my loved ones' fault my lights got turned off because they would not give me the money to pay my bill. It is my fault for not budgeting correctly. I believe it is an interesting conclusion when a person assumes the victim role and, blames others for their negative events. I am by no means losing sight of the importance of leaning on community in times of need. I value my tribe.        I too had to mature past this tendency to shift blame. We look at Jonathan and other leaders like him who made decisions that had unfavorable results. Saul was literally trying to kill David. Imagine having to choose between your b...

     When all else fails we look at the word of GOD for guidance. It is extremely important that we read it for ourselves. The imperativeness is because our life lessons have been taught and caught. In those moments of reflections we are able to decipher between the two categories. Our perception of GOD’s will, destiny, and life’s purpose are significantly impacted by the convergence of these factors. This is what I have learned about GOD’s will. We first look at the Word in the raw. All the commandments hang on these two commandments. “Love the LORD your God with all your heart mind and strength. Love your neighbor as you love yourself.” Matthew 22:37 The foundational ways to know GOD’s way are to look at HIS word and, spend time with Holy Spirit. If I am being honest the times when I am pondering great decision are when I question GOD’s will for my life.        It is usually the smaller choices. In my process I learned than my tho...

“And you will know the truth, the truth will set you free.” Over and over again I hear parents share their understanding of GOD the parent is expanded once they become parents. The ultimate image of unconditional love. There is the ability to know; then there is the ability to communicate. Possessing the words and, language to convey message. I have known a truth in my heart of hearts for years. That truth is that i love my neighbor as i desire to be loved. Not, as i love myself; because evidence proves I don’t know how to love myself. It would be a false truth to say I don’t love myself. I just don’t appreciate myself the way I should given the nature of our relationship. I am not alone in this disconnection. Described by Ian Cron and Suzanne Stabile as “The Helper,” in the Road Back to You. This truth brought me encouragement knowing that I am not alone in this transition. Hopefully, spilling my heart on the page will encourage someone else. Now, with this new found re...