Leaning on the Cross; Running from my Yesterself

    Have you experienced trauma in your childhood? How do you process those experiences? Have you processed those experiences? Did you develop coping skills as a child that you still utilize today? I have recently been charged the task to dream again. Like, a teacher with a pop quiz because you know the students have not studied; I was then challenged to think bigger. What does that look like? In this same season; Jackie Hill Perry challenged me to survey my heart as she deposited the revelation that all sin comes from unbelief. Currently, I am going through some transitions with my loved ones. On the road to resolution I was informed that I tend not to be as vulnerable as desired. Listening to the position that those who love us desire to carry us from time to time. In my introspection I have observed some idols fashioned because I did not believe that the LORD would comfort me. This stronghold in my life was developed in youth through emotional neglect. As mentioned in my previous teachings; we all carry our human tendencies with us into salvation. The deception that I combated with my coping skill of going in myself was the outcome of everyone wanting the GOD in me, but no one wanting me. 

     It’s not that I wanted His glory, i wanted His attention. Mistaking the attention for love from people. This concept is not foreign to those called to ministry. However, those of us who are called but do not fit into the generationally churched mold have not been taught to anticipate; let alone combat this temptation. I have heard several mega church ministers speak on the loneliness of ministry. I have heard the parallels to Jesus. I did not have experiential knowledge I have now. My platform is about sharing my testimony as the Holy Spirit surgically releases me into my greatness evolution. The manifestation of being not conformed to this world but transformed by the renewing of my mind. Salvation is immediate. Deliverance is a process. Please do not allow my transparency to cause you puff up because we all have to work out our own salvation. 

     My goal is to operate at the greatest potential my Heavenly Father has for me. HE revealed that i had an idol in my life. No, I have not had statues or memorials to false gods in my home. In fact, the idol was not tangible hence my blindness to it. When I allowed distractions in my life to become like the bouncing toys suspended over the baby’s crib while GOD encouraged, motivated, and ministered to others through me. A person came along who didn’t want to the GOD in my but wanted me. The neon message this communicates should have caused me to run away as fast as I could. Yet, I did not realize that I had not allowed the LORD to be my consistent source of comfort. Because of this void; rather than run I embraced this parasite of a using a person as a host. 

    The relationship was the byproduct; the lack of belief that the LORD would be the same for me that HE was for David in Psalm 94:19 because I had faced a lot of opposition was the issue. I appealed to the LORD like a child running to skirt of their mother at the pain of my attacks at the time. HE did not respond the way I wanted HIM to respond. Because, I did not believe that being broken in HIM brought more peace than being in the arms of a person resulted in my season of misery. Many of us know this but, we lose sight of the Truth. Walking in to my next season I have learned that being in ministry requires that we have balance in our horizontal relationships (love people as yourself) and our vertical relationships (love the LORD with all your heart, mind, and strength). The walking out is the journey. This is a lifelong journey. I have long since accepted that I have to continue to learn who GOD is as HE continues to reveal Himself. Now, I understand HE is also revealing me to myself. HE shows me the parts of myself that HE is healing, removing, and growing. I pray that you are encouraged by testimony, celebrating my victory in Jesus’ name.

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